Beautiful Ugly by Bathsheba Smithen

Cage Free Voices Spoken Devotionals

Ugh! I can't get rid of this. I've tried to pray it away but it's as if years of suppressed aggression is now surfacing and I'm sitting over the porcelain throne, tossing up my guts for hours; puking up my dysfunction. Nothing has gone or is going the way I want it to. I'm good....so I should have the finer things. But that's the religiosity speaking. I'm leaking with self-righteousness. Pride. Bitterness. Jealousy.....and RAGE. All of my ugly is coming out on this page and I can't contain it any longer. I've been taking it to the altar, reading the Word of God, but it won't disappear and I'm near the cross. Why do I feel loss, like I can't find me in this sea of despair--anger.

And now, I'm condemning myself for being in pain and actually dealing with the feelings associated with the hurts that were never expressed. Frustrated that my sins are exposing themselves, looking in the mirror and seeing my beautiful ugly, I've discovered that the Word of God does not function like a microwave although I've treated it that way. Some healing will take time. However, the desire to expedite the process gnaws at me like an irritating gnat that won't go away.

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