Attractiveness (Replay of 5-14-23)

Conversations with Cinthia

Is attraction something that just comes and goes, completely beyond our control? Today Cinthia explores attractiveness as a responsibility we have to others, one that is not primarily about our physical makeup. While she introduces this topic in terms of spouses who are no longer attracted to their spouses, she explores it further as it applies to our interactions with society in general. How attractive we are has to do with what it is like for others to be around us. This is why men often appear more attractive when they exhibit “confidence contained.” In all of us, qualities like kindness, gentleness, mercy, flexibility, nobleness, health, willingness to work hard, etc., tend to be attractive, while disrespectfulness, immaturity, vulgarity, being unaware of your audience, refusing to cooperate with others, and selfishness in general make us less attractive to others. We are more attractive when we adjust ourselves somewhat to others by learning to “check the temperature of the room;” for example, we can notice whether other people find their jokes humorous and when they do not. They notice how their behavior is impacting others and adjust to those with whom they interact.

In our society, many people expect that others should be attracted to them unconditionally, as if all of society is obligated to offer them the unconditional acceptance they needed from their parents and continue to need from God. Sometimes people today expect that their showing up should be enough for everyone else. However, this is not a realistic expectation for adults to hold. We offer babies unconditional goodwill no matter how much they scream or how many bodily fluids they deposit on us because we understand that they are babies. We accept that teenagers are learning to deal with others maturely and may sometimes be difficult to engage; this is because we understand that they are teenagers. Adults, however, have the ability and the expectation to recognize that their behavior impacts other people. Our behavior can make us unattractive. Our hygiene practices can make it uncomfortable for people to come close to us. To refuse to recognize this is immature, and it is draining for others who have to deal with it on a regular basis. It takes courage to own the experience others have of us when we interact together, but maturity knows that its decisions matter. Selfishness and immaturity are exhausting for others. Pushing boundaries for attention gets old. Creating awkwardness or discomfort just to get a reaction gets tiresome. Selfishness, withholding, refusing to share or fill in the gaps for those who cannot do it themselves – these things are burdensome to others. Don’t confuse assertiveness and selfishness; they are not the same thing.

Owning your impact does not mean being someone that you are not, hiding your feelings all the time, or constantly seeking to meet everyone else’s expectations, no matter how unrealistic or unwholesome. It simply means recognizing that you are not entitled to show up without showering, use whatever language you want, and expect everyone to be thrilled that you are there. It means acknowledging that others are allowed to have feelings about the impact of your decisions on them.

As an adult, you can learn to be an attractive person, regardless of whether you possess physiological beauty. This does not mean our appearance is irrelevant, however; the ways in which we care for ourselves are relevant to the experience others have of us. The way we dress indicates something about our own willingness to contain ourselves instead of expecting others to deal with the rawest versions of us. Going to the grocery store in pajamas, for example, may to communicate to others that our own comfort is our highest priority and that we have little concern for the atmosphere we are helping to create. While the 1950’s had another set of problems, one positive aspect of that decade was the expectation people embraced to show some respect for themselves and others in certain ways, including pulling themselves together when going out of the house. Our clothes tell a story about us; this is why politicians dress differently when speaking to different groups of people. (Please note that not everyone needs to work harder at looking good in public. Some people need to “lighten up” while others need to “tighten up.”) Taking care of our physical appearances also impacts us personally. Cinthia discussed an article from Getty Images that addressed this through the lens of play rehearsal in professional settings; it explained that the costumes actors wear impact their embodiment of a character, that the way we dress sends messages to our own brains about who we are and impacts the way we perform. A study found that increased formality in students’ clothing increased the students’ abstract processing. This is why people who work from home are often advised not to do so in their pajamas but to put on some level of professional clothing. People’s brains really do pick up on clues subconsciously, and we really do send messages to others and ourselves. (Of course, appearance is not the whole story; while a tie may make you look and feel more reliable, you still have to actually follow through and be reliable in order to maintain that impression.)

So, returning to the arena of spousal attraction, a similar principle applies. Expecting your spouse to be endlessly and unconditionally attracted to you regardless of how you look, behave, relate to them, etc., is selfish. We should not take advantage of those who commit to us in sickness and in health by using their commitment as an excuse to be lazy or thoughtless, to become the worst version of ourselves. This applies in the way we talk to one another, handle our emotions, communicate about important issues, maintain self-care, and address problems. Ongoing attractiveness is not about achieving or maintaining physical perfection, nor does it mean we will not go through seasons of change. Rather, it is about taking responsibility to be pleasant company for those with whom we travel through life, just as we want them to do for us. And, when we know that we are struggling, we can show consideration for those closest to us by thanking them for their patience and acknowledging the impact our struggles have on them.

We honor ourselves and others by taking responsibility for our choices. Our choices matter because we matter and because those around us do, too. Be someone whose presence benefits others, including those closest to you.