12 Steps Series: Step Eight

Rav Ariel Podcast

STEP 8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. Quote #1 - “We have been wronged. We have allowed ourselves to be harmed.” (p117 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie) Quote #2 - “Much of what we’re feeling that we call codependency is unearned guilt.” (p119 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie) Quote #3 - “In what relationships do we need to be able to hold our heads up and allow our hearts to be open and filled with love even if that love comes from a distance and with detachment?” (p120 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie) Quote #4 - “The name that goes on the third list is our own name. We are usually the people we have harmed the most with our codependency. We are the people we most need to become willing to make amends to. By repressing our feelings and thoughts, neglecting ourselves, criticizing ourselves, shaming ourselves, denying reality, being so frightened, holding ourselves down, pushing ourselves back, believing absolutely untrue things about ourselves, being too harsh, too critical, or too demanding, we have certainly done ourselves wrong. Denying and depriving ourselves is wrong. Not trusting ourselves or listening to ourselves is wrong. Not loving ourselves is wrong. Allowing ourselves to be lied to and deceived to the point that we no longer listen to or heed our instincts is wrong. Thinking we're crazy and bad for surviving is wrong. Holding other people's issues or inappropriate behaviors against ourselves is wrong.” (p120 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie) Quote #5 - “Allowing ourselves to be abused or mistreated is wrong regardless of the degree of abuse. It is not okay to let ourselves be talked to) or touched inappropriately. … Neglecting ourselves is wrong. Ignoring what we want and need, sometimes to the point that our minds, bodies, and souls rebel by getting sick, is wrong. Neglecting or diminishing our gifts and talents is wrong. … Every behavior we list as codependent is in truth a wrong done toward ourselves. Sometimes it involves a wrong done to someone else, too. We need to be absolutely honest about both. Until we do, we will not have the map for the rest of our recovery. … Allowing others to treat us badly inevitably leads to resentment toward the other person. We need to deal with this resentment, but we also need to be willing to make amends to ourselves for not treating our- ) selves with the respect we deserve.” (p121 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie) Quote #6 - “Caution: There is no reason to feel guilty or prepare to make an amend, if what we have done is to take care of ourselves.” (p122 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie) Quote #7 - “I would be entirely justified, I thought, if I withdrew into a cave, became a recluse, and never spoke to any of them again. That place, however justified, is not pleasant. It is not a place of feeling connected with myself or others. It’s a place constructed of and decorated with fear.” (p123 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie) Quote #8 - “All that has come into our lives was designed to prepare us to become who we are and to help us learn the lessons we came here to learn.” (p124 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie) Quote #9 - “My relationships reflected my unresolved issues and my fears. My relationships reflected my beliefs about what I deserved from love, what I was willing to tolerate.” (p127 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie) Quote #10 - “Many of us are carrying around residue from relationships that are decades old! We have not yet reconciled and made our peace with our pasts.” (p128 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie)