Turning Forty after Divorcing an Alcoholic, and How Joyful it is on the Other Side

Forty Drinks

Turning Forty after Divorcing an Alcoholic, and How Joyful it is on the Other Side

After focusing on building her career and getting through grad school, Jenny Quartano realized her marriage had deteriorated to the point of no return. And that her husband was an alcoholic who wasn’t dealing with his stuff and wasn’t getting any better. So she left and struggled through finding her footing again. She started with a familiar coping mechanism, the nightly glass of wine, but found it wasn’t really working. So she started doing things that did make her feel better, working her body to physical exhaustion and getting good sleep. She has since rebuilt her life into something that brings her joy on a daily basis.

Guest Bio

Dr. Quartano spent her 20s and 30s building a strong career and honing her skills as an expert in the field of physical therapy. As she stumbled into her private practice working in client homes, she became acutely aware of just how much the way we live and function each day impacts our lives and health. She dove into learning more about holistic health and the role nutrition, exercise, stress, relationships, and sleep play in our ability to maintain a healthy life. Simultaneously, she found herself going through a terrible divorce and dealing personally with those factors. Each day was a choice--to get up, show up, and continue to control the things she could. Overcoming this stress with success and more clear than ever before in her life mission, she set out to start helping others use the same lifestyle factors and mindset to meet their own goals. She doesn’t subscribe to common symptoms being normal or deteriorating health being a symptom of age and seeks to help other women find their best self to be the best mom, wife, professional or athlete they desire to be.

When not working with children and families, she can be found focusing on her own health - building healthy habits that empower her own continued development and balance. She enjoys time with her family, laughing with girlfriends, traveling, and soaks up the dream of living at the beach whenever she can. This is 40, and it has brought so much clarity in her own life, her mission, and her passion--and growth in her business! Cheers!

How Did I Get Here?

Jenny Quartano moved across the country for grad school. Her romantic relationship had turned into something she didn’t recognize. She spent so much energy focusing on her career, she didn’t realize how far the relationship had deteriorated. She found herself in her mid-30s and living with an alcoholic who wasn’t doing his share to keep up things at home. As a strong person, Jenny just kept on pushing until things started to break down. The situation devolved further to abuse, which she knew came from him not being able to control things in his life, but it wasn’t getting any better and he wasn’t putting in the work to fix it, so she left.

Used to being a person who could ‘do it all,’ Jenny found herself struggling and having to lean on her network, which she found humbling. She learned an important lesson, though: it’s ok to say, ‘I’m not ok.’

She also learned the precarious slope towards alcohol misuse herself. Now on her own, there was no reason to keep alcohol out of the house, and it was almost too easy to grab a glass of wine to unwind. She learned quickly, though, that the glass of wine to unwind ultimately wasn’t helping with sleep or her mood. What worked better was the gym.

As a physical therapist, Jenny found that physically exhausting her body was a much better solution. It helped her sleep and got her started putting things back together. Then she started with some goal setting and asking herself what she wanted to do now. She also wondered what she didn’t really care about any longer.

As she started moving forward she met the man who became her husband. Because she was coming out of such a challenging period, she was pretty bold in saying what she needed and what she wouldn’t tolerate. Her friends thought she would scare him away but she had worked so hard to come back from a bad place that she wanted to be clear about what would and wouldn’t work for her.

She told him, "I really like you, but I've been down a path of things that didn't work before and so I'm going to be really, really black and white about what I want and if that doesn't fit with what you want, that's okay. We're just not meant to be together."

Jenny has taken the same attitude into her business as well. He’s unapologetic about what she does and who she serves and is perfectly ok with not being someone’s cup of tea.

And Then, 40

Jenny felt like she turned 40 with a new script after starting over. She has a great husband. She’s got a toddler who was born at the beginning of the pandemic. That meant she had a lot of time to spend with him in his first couple of years, which she feels grateful for.

She feels like changing her point of view has improved her life. Instead of feeling bad that she’s not at work, she feels grateful to have time with her son. A big part of her healing has been telling herself that she *gets* do do things, as opposed to *having* to do them. That has led to a major shift.

After spending so many years with so much out of her control, Jenny is focused on what she can control. There were many nights during her old relationship that she was up in the middle of the night worrying about what he might do or what might happen or what trouble might find her door. And as much as she tried to focus on what she could control during that era, it’s hard when you’re in the middle of it. Fear and worry seep into your skin. But that is a skill she has carried into her new life and her new decade.

If there’s a situation and she can do something about it, she makes an action plan. If there’s nothing she can do, it goes on the back burner. She acknowledges it and then moves past it. Meditation and prayer are useful tools for helping her say "this isn't part of what I can control right now, so I can't worry about it." She knows it doesn't do any good to be consumed with that worry.

Finding Joy

Jenny says what brings her joy has also evolved in recent years. Smaller things bring her joy than in the past. Where she used to find joy in traveling, now taking a walk through the neighborhood with her son is joyful. She points to it as a sign that things are good. She doesn’t need huge or grand things to find joy any more. She can find joy much more easily than in the past.

She now also *chooses* to find joy in places that might have come across as mundane before. She’s shifted from looking for joy in certain activities to finding joy in what she does each day - and in new things that challenge her, whether that’s a toddler phase, a new business challenge or a new recipe.

When she casts her mind back to her 20s and early 30s, Jenny says she was so worried about what other people thought and about being judged by them that she wasn’t finding joy in what she wanted to do. She did things that were recommended because they would look good or she would be good at them. Now, she's unapologetic about doing what she wants to do and finding things she’s passionate about and that excite her.

Today, Jenny cares a lot less about what people think and a lot more about her own joy and satisfaction.

A Professional Shift

A physical therapist by training, Jenny often worked in homes and with children and realized that there were many factors beyond physical therapy that factored into success. If the home was in chaos or they weren’t eating well or there was stress between mom and dad, then all the PT in the world wasn’t going to solve the problem. She shifted to incorporate functional health and wellness into her practice. Today, she helps families thrive and manage the lifestyle factors that will help them feel and function their best.

One major element of helping families thrive is diet. Jenny starts with mom because if mom isn’t bought into the concept, then it’s not likely to change. But if moms are bought in, Jenny says that changes health for generations to come.

She works with families on ways to build healthier recipes and make more food at home instead of grab-and-go choices. She gets the kids in the kitchen to both help with preparation and expose them to new foods. She said that the average child needs to try something 13 times before they decide if they really like it. So when they push it off their plate for the third or fourth time, keep going. Plus, if they’re seeing their parents eat healthier, they’re more likely to do so as well.

A great place to start is by reading ingredient labels. Being aware of what we’re eating is huge. Yogurt is something we feed kids because it’s a ‘healthy’ food, but most commercial yogurts are loaded with sugar. In that case, a Greek yogurt with honey and berries is a great way to cut out some of the processed ingredients and extra sugar that sneaks into so much of our food.

Another easy step is to fill half your plate with vegetables before putting other items on it. That helps to manage hunger by filling us up with good foods while still leaving room for other elements of the meal.

Another tip is, once you’ve determined eating healthy is a priority, you have to make it simple. Find 10 or 12 recipes and rotate them. Make three or four recipes each week and then rotate. Most people are more than happy to eat the same thing every three to four weeks.

While all this healthier living stuff requires making an effort, Jenny points out that it’s really more of a shifting of effort. Will you put in the effort now or down the line when you are sick? Jenny says she would much rather put in the effort now. She says she wants to slide into her grave with one foot still running, rather than being sick and frail for the last part of her life. That’s part of why she lives this way.

It’s important to have a strong ‘why’ behind making changes like this in your life. When things get hard, that ‘why’ will give you the reason to stick with it.

Sponsor

The Forty Drinks Podcast is produced and presented by Savoir Faire Marketing/Communications

Find Jenny Online

Website: https://www.alltogetherwellness.net/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/alltogetherwellness

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/alltogetherwellness/

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