Miranda asked me, “What do I do? My spouse is hopeless that we can save our marriage. I’m losing hope, too."A while back, I did a training for members of my VIP Program, noting three barriers in the way of a spouse working on the marriage… along with how to respond. One of those barriers is hopelessness.But if a spouse is hopeless… how can you hold…

When life is hard, Holidays can feel heavy. When there is a marriage crisis, it can be tough to muster the energy to even move forward — especially when all the commercials and movies push the “merry and bright” of a mythic holiday.And here we are, on the cusp of the Holiday season! It cuts across nations and beliefs. The season is here.A client re…

"In our very first session, our therapist told me that we were divorcing and I need to accept it," Claire wrote.I invited people to submit questions. And Claire did. (You can, too, by EMAILING HERE.)Here is what happened: Claire wanted to save her marriage. Her husband thought it was over. Claire convinced him to go to therapy. But then, near the e…

I know. It's tempting. Your marriage is having troubles and you want to talk about it. Maybe your friends would be good to tell. Or maybe your family can listen. Or perhaps you should contact your in-laws to "talk some sense" into your spouse.Don't. Stop. Think again before you share.Those words that feel so good right now may come back to haunt yo…

You want to save your marriage.Right?That is why you are here, right? So, what might get in your way? How might you fail in your efforts?Let me be clear: in this podcast episode, I discuss 3 ways YOU may fail at your efforts. This isn't about why your efforts will fail, because of a spouse... or family... or an affair... or anything outside of, wel…

I had nearly back-to-back discussions with people about coaching and therapy. One wanted to know if I could see them and their spouse. The other wanted to know if they could go to marital therapy alone.You may already know that I have concerns with marital therapy (yes, I am trained as a therapist). But there are times when marital therapy (given t…

Is your marriage infected by the "zombie virus?" Do you find your relationship to be the "walking dead?" Are emotions lost and connections missing? Do you and your spouse respond to each other with "zombie grunts?"The infection can be stopped. You can fight the infection and heal the relationship.Don't allow the big 4 symptoms of a zombie infection…

It can be an emotional storm in the middle of a marriage crisis. Sometimes, it seems that every little thing blows up into big things... almost without control.A marriage crisis is one of the bigger life stressors. If you are dealing with that, you are already emotionally "tapped out." Which means it might not take much for you to boil over...And u…

She started the conversation by telling how she was confused… her spouse had confused her. He said he didn’t feel safe enough to share his emotions, didn’t feel safe enough to move back into their bedroom, didn’t feel safe enough to talk through their issues. She told me, “I have never hurt him or threatened to hurt him. How can he feel unsafe?"Saf…

When a marriage crisis hits, people kick into gear! They dig in and work on their relationship. Many times, they start to see results. Things are turning for the better. The relationship is warming. Things aren't quite so hostile.But then....They get derailed. Thrown off-course. Lost in the crisis.Not surprisingly, any gains made are quickly lost. …

Is it actually possible for people to change?? For you to change?? For your marriage to change?That question has been asked for millenia. It is a question of theology, philosophy, and psychology.And yet, sometimes, it seems like there is no real answer.As a student of all three arenas, and as a therapist/coach, I have thought long and hard about th…

What do you do if your spouse decides they need to work on themselves... and then they may (or may not) be willing to work on the marriage? What do you do if your spouse just refuses to work on your marriage?That is the question of the week, asked by Sam. He said his wife wants to better herself. Then, maybe she would address the marriage.As part o…

Connection is so important for a marriage. When connection is cut off, the relationship falters. When a marriage is disconnected, the marriage is at risk.But many people think they are connecting... and they are actually crowding.Crowding, in a struggling marriage, is as toxic as disconnecting.Does it feel like a tightrope? Well, it really isn't.As…

Many times, people contact me to tell me that their marriage is... well... continuing to spiral down, in spite of their efforts.Over the years, I have noted some "turning points," when things often start turning around. And I want to share 3 of these turning points with you.Here is the good news: all 3 turning points I note are 100% within your con…

You started working on saving your marriage. Good for you!And then, you hit a bump. You get knocked down. Maybe you discovered an affair, physical or emotional. Maybe your spouse is irritable and upset. Maybe it is anger and resentment, yours or your spouse’s.And it knocks you down.Enough that you think it is over. That you are at the end.But are y…

Several listeners asked why a spouse only remembers the negative, or only dwells on the negative. Why don't they remember the good times or see the good things?Over the years, I have noticed this as a recurring and common issue in your efforts to save your marriage. A spouse's thoughts just stay on the negative. Maybe thinking about what is going o…

How do you know if it is too late to save your marriage??That happens to be one of the most common questions I get from people... sometimes even at the beginning of a coaching sessions. But also by email and on conference calls.I get it. We all want to know what the future holds. Do you put forth the effort for a lost cause? Do you put your heart o…

My approach is the 3C approach to saving your marriage. The 3C's are C-onnect, C-hange, and C-reate. Connect with your spouse. Change yourself. Create a new path.The first two may be more obvious... but still missed by many people. Relationships are grown by connection, and harmed by a lack of connection. We grow personally, when we change... and s…

It is such a common demand from a spouse during a marital crisis: “I need space! You just need to give me space!”Yet here I am, telling you to connect with your spouse, to rebuild the broken connection that led to the crisis.Are they opposites?One listener to the Save The Marriage Podcast was wondering. Which means that others might be wondering th…

In my Save The Marriage System Quick-Start Guide, I show the 8 distinct stages of a marriage crisis. But those are the stages of the crisis. There are also stages to your awareness of the crisis.This is the point where you are aware of the crisis, the level of the crisis, and the potential threat of the crisis. And just to let you know: you are NOT…

Most people don’t come right out and say it, but they have a sneaking suspicion that they are the victim in their marital situation. They believe they have been done wrong… more wrong than they have done.Problem is, their spouse is believing the same thing.Over and over, I watched as people seemed to make a mad race to be the bigger victim, each on…

Let me be the first to say, saving your marriage can be hard on you emotionally!Well, I don't really need to tell you, do I? YOU are living it!One of the tough things, if you are going it alone (at the moment) is the fact that you want to feel loved, too. You are likely trying to make sure your spouse feels love... feels love. You are likely workin…

For many couples in a troubled marriage, their first stop is marital therapy. In fact, for many, it is almost an instinctive reaction. Marriage problem? Head for therapy.How do I know?Because I hear from them... when therapy fails. Which is, unfortunately, fairly often.Why?In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I give you a little "insid…

Surely you can convince your spouse to work on your marriage… right? Yes, your marriage is in crisis. But if you say the right thing… or say it in the right way… or convince, beg, cajole, argue, and somehow shift their thinking, then you can save your marriage. Right?Not so fast.Usually, all of the above leads to more resistance. Not less. It does …

On a regular basis (meaning, several times each week), I have a discussion with a client that ends in the client saying, "I can't...." Yes, they finish the sentence in many ways. But the start of the sentence is my focus: "I can't."I have a colleague that responds to clients who say, "I can't," with "You can." That doesn't quite get there, though. …

Can one person save a marriage, even if your spouse doesn’t want it?I do say that my Save The Marriage System can save your marriage, even if only you want it.But what can you really do, if your spouse is checked out and not sure they want to stay married?I answer another listener question in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Is it rea…

This is a SPECIAL EDITION of the Save The Marriage Podcast!Why? Because we are on the cusp of an elevated threat to marriages... and it might include your's.There are 3 periods in the year that see a spike in divorce filings and inquiries. We are facing one right now: the beginning of summer. In the States, that is marked by Memorial Day (coming up…

In my Save The Marriage System Quick-Start Guide, I show the 8 distinct stages of a marriage crisis. But those are the stages of the crisis. There are also stages to your awareness of the crisis.This is the point where you are aware of the crisis, the level of the crisis, and the potential threat of the crisis. And just to let you know: you are NOT…

There is a better than 80% chance that, at this moment, you are a Chaser. In doing a little informal research, I noticed that about 90% of the people who read my articles, listen to my podcast, read my b0oks, or use my System, are chasing right now.Why? Because right now, their spouse (and likely, your spouse) is being a Spacer. The Chaser/Spacer p…

Many people tell me of their desperation to find intimacy -- and their sadness over not having it in their marriage.But is it possible to find that intimacy? Is there a path to intimacy in your marriage??There are choices people make... that often lead them away from intimacy -- not toward it! This isn't on purpose. They just don't know better.The …

You hit the Pause Button on your marriage. I get it. You didn't realize you were doing it, and didn't know it was a problem. You just thought you were dealing with life -- the kids, a career, activities... life.But while you didn't know it was a problem, it is. In fact, it is the big reason that marriages get into trouble. Yes, there are lots of sy…

Yes, this is the #1 thing people request in therapy. And no, fixing it will not fix your marriage.This is part rant, part warning, and part explanation. Because, communication skills has somehow become a central tenet of hurting marriages. So, therapists teach them, clients request them, and marriages just don't get better.When I was in training, t…

For awhile, I have been answering listener-submitted questions, and continue to do so in this episode (if YOU want to ask a question, send it to podcast@savethemarriage.com).This week, I respond to a couple of questions about a spouse's indifference and/or resistance to attempts at connection.It can be frustrating when you so desperately want to re…

Where could your efforts fail?Those are the failpoints. They can trip you up and make you think nothing will work in your efforts.But let me be clear. They are potential failpoints. They are not inevitable.Failpoints, in engineering, is caused by stress on a particular point. In machines, a particular piece is stressed long enough that it finally g…

When I started this podcast over 10 years ago, I wondered how far we would go. Well, here we are on episode 500, with over 5.25 million downloads to far. And at the same time, I celebrate 58 years on earth. A couple of milestones I wanted to mark, for sure!Which raises the question from a listener, on what I have learned in life. I’ll share 5 big t…

Let's just say that the bumper sticker, "I used to be cool," has nothing to do with me. I was not cool. I was more the nerdy kid. And to be honest, I'm not sure I have really outgrown that.In my teen years, I was a magician. My friends were magicians, jugglers, clowns, ventriloquists, and carneys. I even started a magic club at my high school. And …

Sometimes, just a hint or trick will do it. Maybe you want a trick or hint for an online game. Or even a trick for a better pancake. A hint for a better pushup.But hints and tricks won’t work for saving a marriage.Which is what I try to explain when I get the daily emails and voicemails, just asking for a hint or trick. Nothing wrong with asking. B…

Your marriage is in trouble, and you know you need help. But what type of help? And how do you know if it is the right help for your marriage? Tough question. And I can't answer it.But I can help you get the answer.I created a guide to help you find the best help, whether it is therapy, coaching, a retreat or workshop, or an online course. I tell y…

I know. I say it all the time. Connection is crucial -- even critical -- for the health and survival of your marriage.But what if there is a trap... a Connection Trap?Guess what?There IS!On this week's podcast, I answer "D's" question about their stuck place. She names what she thinks are the 3 C's that must be there for a strong marriage. She name…

The Pause Button. You didn't know you hit it. But you probably did."We'll get back to each other after the kids/ promotion/ travels/ hobbies/ events/ friends... (well, you get the idea)."AFTER life, we will get back to love.There is only one problem. Relationships are either growing or receding, strengthening or weakening.There IS no pause.When you…

Saving your marriage is important. But not always easy. Isn't that a truth in life, though? What is easy is rarely important. And what is important is worth the effort.There are some things that can make your process of saving your marriage a bit more complicated though.Not impossible.Just more complicated.While there are others, I cover seven diff…

Many people are struggling with depression. And they find themselves in the midst of a marriage crisis. So, what does depression mean for those situations? How does depression affects a marriage. Does depression cause a crisis? Or do people get depressed because of the crisis? Or... and this is more central to the question... how do you deal with d…

Do you settle down with a good book you have read over and over this time of year? I read my kids the exact same Christmas book every single year. And many years, I re-read a classic for myself… like A Christmas Carol. This year, I offer you a redux of a prior podcast episode… about the Ghosts of Your Relationship Past. Yep. Christmas, with new opp…

Several podcast listeners have asked why a spouse only remembers the negative, or only dwells on the negative. Why don't they remember the good times or see the good things? Why does it feel like they only see the negative?Over the years, I have noticed this as a recurring and common issue in your efforts to save your marriage. A spouse's thoughts …

"A" has been trying to set boundaries with her husband. Trying to get the treatment she deserves. Trying to get the relationship to a healthy spot.But then, her spouse throws a little shade her way... rolling eyes, using a demeaning tone. What should she do to set a boundary on that?, she asksIn this case, A has a good hold on what to do when, say,…

Surely you can convince your spouse to work on your marriage… right? Yes, your marriage is in crisis. But if you say the right thing… or say it in the right way… or convince, beg, cajole, argue, and somehow shift their thinking, then you can save your marriage. Right?Not so fast.Usually, all of the above leads to more resistance. Not less. It does …

When life is hard, Holidays can feel heavy. When there is a marriage crisis, it can be tough to muster the energy to even move forward — especially when all the commercials and movies push the “merry and bright” of a mythic holiday.And here we are, on the cusp of the Holiday season! It cuts across nations and beliefs. The season is here.A client re…

Sounds so philosophical, doesn't it? Your "created past." What is that?We all do it. We remember things based on our emotional state, not on what happened. When someone hurts us, we think back on the other times they hurt us. When someone is kind and loving, we think back on the other loving times.When a couple is connected, they remember connectio…

Phil asked, "How do you know you are making progress?" And perhaps fearing that the signs point the other way, he also asked, "how long is long enough to be trying before it is unhealthy for me."Those are two great, if somewhat polarized, questions. They point to fears of not being able to save a relationship. What to look for? And what to do if th…

You want to save your marriage (or you wouldn't be here, right??). But you may not know what to do. Most people don't.I mean, let's face it: most people don't do a lot to prepare to be married. Maybe a little pre-marital counseling. Perhaps a weekend event. Or maybe you read a book. But that doesn't really cut it, does it? Most people find that out…