Turning 40 and Realizing Sometimes Failures are Successes in Disguise

Forty Drinks

Turning 40 and Realizing Sometimes Failures are Successes in Disguise

Melissa DaSilva realized she was the only one working towards - or even interested in - the dream life she and her husband talked about. Then came the pandemic and forced togetherness, which made them realize they weren’t well suited as partners. So at 39, after 14 years together and 8 married, she asked for a divorce. And while that experience was hard, it allowed her to pursue a life that truly fits her and makes her happy - and one that builds in room for naps, which she considers necessary for her success. And now that she’s over 40, she’s less concerned about what other people think about her decisions, which she says is so freeing.

Guest Bio

An Expert in creating authentic lifestyles through unconventional ways of things and developing roadmaps to get there, Mellissa is a sought-after public speaker and educator who leaves her audiences feeling understood, entertained, and inspired to create change. Melissa’s success wasn’t achieved in the typical sense. Growing up as an artist with a learning disability, she found her unique path for creating wealth and a dream lifestyle while developing programs to address the mental health needs of the LGBTQ+ community and creating physical NFTs that make an impact on our changing world.

Career Inspiration

Melissa DaSilva was an introverted teenager struggling with mental health issues after her parents’ divorce. She credits a school social worker for getting her through high school, so much so that she thought “I wanna grow up and be Tracy someday.”

She pursued social work in college and graduate school and feels lucky to have been in touch with Mrs. Lamb, her fourth grade teacher through school. As someone who struggled with a learning disability, she struggled with collecting her thoughts and writing papers. Mrs. Lamb graded most of the papers she wrote for her master’s program, making sure that they were coherent and well written. Her social work internship was working under Tracy in her old school.

After getting her MSW degree, Melissa became a school social worker at a performing arts high school so she could “be somebody else’s Tracy.” Before long, though, she realized she didn’t like working for other people and she knew she needed a schedule that allowed for her to fit in naps, which she says is a part of her constitution.

Dating My Best Friend’s Brother

When she graduated college, Melissa started dating her best friend’s brother, which naturally caused some ripples, especially since her best friend said they’d never last. They got married after dating for six years. Her husband was very supportive of her career and her desire to start her own business. They bought a house and Melissa helped to take care of his disabled mother.

So now Melissa had a career, a supportive partner, a house, and free time. And, while this is what “everybody says you should want when you grow up,” Melissa found herself unfulfilled. “But there was one night I was laying in bed and I just felt so empty.” She felt like there must be something missing; this couldn’t be “it.”

Melissa had been vocal about not wanting to live in Rhode Island forever; the winters don’t agree with her constitution and the summers aren’t long enough. She wanted to figure out how to move somewhere warm, like Puerto Rico, but she realized she was more excited by that dream than he was.

Then came the pandemic and, like many other people, they had to spend a lot of time together, which made them realize they probably weren’t the best partners even though they loved each other a lot. While they had always been “Team DaSilva,” she realized it was more “Team DaSilva but Melissa is pulling a lot of the weight.” That opened her eyes to the fact that her husband had been addicted to substances - either marijuana or alcohol - for the entire time they had been together. After her eyes were opened, she started seeing other things, too. As she reconnected with friends during the Covid lockdown, she realized she like talking to people who she shared interests with, and that she and her husband didn’t share many interests - or friends. Then she started to feel resentful of having to take care of his mother because he had his own stuff going on.

Conscious Uncoupling

Things came to a head after an argument on her 39th birthday over, of all things, Facebook. Shortly thereafter, she realized the marriage wasn’t working for her and asked for a divorce. While they still loved each other, and continued to support each other, it wasn’t a ‘forever match.’

“People say, "Oh, marriage is forever," but when the institution of marriage was created, “forever” was like 20 years. Not 80.”

Melissa took the opportunity to spend some time in Puerto Rico and eventually moved there. She runs her business remotely; she’s made great friends; and she’s able to pursue her art.

The decision to get a divorce was hard because Melissa felt like she had the life so many people want and she worried people would think she was a failure. She doesn’t feel like a failure, though. “It was good for the time that we were together, and what it needed to be, and now we're both free to evolve into the people that we need to be in the future.”

As they made their way through their “conscious uncoupling,” they realized they probably shouldn't have gotten married, but it seemed like the inevitable next step based on where they were in their relationship.

Melissa wonders if she was ever fully ‘in it.’ She says they never shared a bank account and, while she had access to his account to pay bills, he never had access to hers. She had a deep-seated fear that she needed to be able to survive on her own and she knew she didn’t want to end up like her mom did after her parents’ divorce. So while she was being protective of herself, she thinks that may have prevented her from opening up fully.

As she moved through her late 30s Melissa realized that she was having a lot of depressive episodes. Her ex was supportive when she didn’t feel well, but she was experiencing more days when she couldn’t get out of bed. Even when she visualizes that time of her life now, she sees it as a filter of gray over the thoughts of what her life used to be.

Artistry

Melissa’s mom will say about Melissa, "You never do anything like normal people do; everything's different." Melissa thinks that’s part of being an artist: she sees things differently and makes decisions differently and lives her life outside the traditional path.

While she’s not a traditionally trained artist, Melissa loves to create and was amazed and delighted to find people were interested in buying her artwork. Today, she realizes that if she’s not creating art, her life probably isn’t running well.

Starting a Business

After pursuing the school social worker career, and realizing she didn’t like it enough to stick with it, Melissa opened up a private mental health practice focused on LGBTQ+ community. While she was working in the school, she worked with a student who was transitioning and there weren’t any providers to support that person, so she became that provider. She geared her practice to helping people in the process of transitioning gender or dealing with gender issues.

The business exploded and Tracy, her school social worker, is now her Chief Operating Officer. She runs the business from Puerto Rico and now spends most of her time supporting and coaching therapists who want to start their own businesses.

One piece of advice Melissa has, whether in business or in life, is to remember that other people’s perception of success and failure will be different than your own. She considers her marriage a success, despite the fact it ended in divorce. She considers her career a success despite the fact she’s not still working as a school social worker.

“We have to remember to be okay with ourselves and our own decisions, because at the end of the day, we're the ones that have to lay down with ourselves, and be happy with who we are and what we did for the day.”

As we get older, not caring so much about what other people think is truly freeing.

Napster

Melissa considers napping a crucial component of her success. Whether she’s having a down period mentally and physically, or she just needs to decompress, she takes a nap. She structures her day so that she has time to lie down after lunch. She scheduled appointments around her naps. And sometimes she will need to clock out for the day because she’s not feeling well. Building a life where she can be open and honest about her needs and surrounding herself with supportive people enables her success. Finding your tribe goes a long way towards allowing you to be your true and best self.

Sponsor

The Forty Drinks Podcast is produced and presented by Savoir Faire Marketing/Communications

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