253 - Two Hundred Fifty Three

Breaker Whiskey

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[TRANSCRIPT]

[click, static]

Okay, Utah postcard. I wish I still had it, so I could be certain, because I did date all of them, but I just have to hope that Harry’s notes are accurate.

She wishes I still had it too. She said she really hoped that she’d get to read all the postcards someday and…well, maybe she still can. Maybe someday we will go back to the house and gather them up, along with all her art and the painting I got for her in Santa Fe. If you’d told me six months ago that I’d happily hand over each and every one of those postcards to her, I’m not sure I’d believe you. But what else could she possibly learn about me, what could I possibly say to her that would be more vulnerable than everything that’s already happened. She’s cracked open my rib cage and looked inside and somehow I’m still standing, so…

She’s started to let me read her notebook. She says it’s only fair. That she has this enormous advantage having listened to me talk to the air all this time. That she always had the advantage, knowing the score when I didn’t.

I thought it would be helpful to hear that. To hear her admit that she’s always had the power out of the two of us. That letting her guilt and secrecy dictate our lives meant that she was always the one who had her finger on the button of our potential happiness. But it didn’t. Knowing that she thinks of herself as a coward, that she regrets what she put me through, it doesn’t actually change the fact that she put me through it. It just…makes me sad. For me, for her, for us. But I do—I do appreciate the gesture of giving me her notebook. I never would’ve expected that from her.

Fox said…they said it was too late. I don’t know what that means. I don’t know if it’s too late for us to disappear, too late for us to come and meet you, too late for us to fix anything but…

I’m choosing to ignore it for now. As long as you’re still sending us codes, I don’t need to listen to Fox. That’s a problem for future Whiskey.

And you said—you also said “keep you safe”. That’s what you’re trying to accomplish here? Keeping us safe? From Fox? From Junior? If that’s the case, I guess I should say thank you. Though don’t hold it against me if I wait to see where this all leads before I give my full gratitude.

[click, static]

[beeps]

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Final. Who are you talking to in your dreams?