23: Friends for Life

She's Fabulous by MaryAnn Lim Favie

Transcript for Ep 23

Hello and welcome to She’s Fabulous Show.

Our topic for today is about friendships, the ones that we keep over the years and hopefully to last our lifetime.

Over the years, I have made lots of friends. From friends during my childhood days that were mostly from the schools I have attended - elementary, high school and college classmates and batchmates. From different companies I have worked with in the health and financial industry. Also friends I have met from different personal development courses I have attended. From this group of friends, I have a set of friends when I want to go out for a drink, another set when I want to go out for a run, a different set when I want to have a good chat over a nice cup of coffee or enjoy good food. There are a lot of friends whom I have not seen for a long time and only talk to a few times a year. Some connections were only kept through social media.

But let’s talk about the real close friends - the “I can tell you anything” or “count in you always” kind of friend. Despite a thousand plus in my Facebook, I can count in less than the fingers in both hands this kind of friend that I know will really be there for me through thick and thin, who will stick with me when I become the worst version of me that I can possibly be.

In movies, I envy stories of really really tight friendships where one friend is willing to take the bullet for the other. I am not sure if I have developed such a deep and tight friendship with my group of friends. And sometimes, I ask myself why not?

I guess it is because I have always looked within my family for that kind of emotional security. My partner and my children, these are people I know will always watch my back and will love me no matter what. So I don’t really have that expectation to find it in any friend outside of my family.

I guess it is because I am a person who would rather be in my own personal space when I am feeling so crappy and not pleased with how my life is unfolding. I think in my worst lowest moments, those were moments where I preferred to be alone and only connect again when I have sorted things out and ready to face the world again.

I guess it is because I can enjoy hours and hours of just doing things on my own. So when I feel overworked and overwhelmed and need to relax and go out, most times I prefer to be free flowing, do things at my own pace, without worrying about pleasing someone else.

But don’t get me wrong, I do value all my social connections. I treasure deep friendships I had through the past years. But I am also conscious that the changing priorities and life stages, having new interests in life, the distance - all these can make even strong friendships less prominent over the years.

And if life stages cause us to drift apart, I know that the same will bring us closer again one day - when we become less busy, when we gain more time. So it is important to continue to nurture the friendship and make it last till the time we can pick it up again.

And how can we reconnect on a deeper level?

I was going over my life goals the other day and realised this - as I got more focused on career success, business and financial accomplishments, of hitting the milestones I have set for myself, I realised I have spent less time I use for nurturing my connection with others. When I was younger and less occupied with accomplishing goals, I remember I had in my Social goals a schedule to have lunch or dinner with at least one friend each week, to say hello or connect by Likes to at least 5 people in my social media circle everyday. What happened that I left this out of my yearly life goals? And why not now when we needed it more because of the pandemic when we are more disengaged and detached from everyone else in our lives.

And so I made these promises to myself:

First, if I want closer friendships even with the existing ones, the first step is to decide that I am going to do something about it. It means making time and being intentional. I have made a commitment to be more consistent in connecting, be available, reliable and responsive. Yes, that is now back into my Relationship goals.

Second, I need to pay close attention when I am spending time with my friends and be attuned to their presence. When I give my full attention, this will help create if not strengthen the psychological sense of connection. Out with superficial connections, every moment even if short should have that effect - being more connected, being present, having fun, creating memories.

And third, I need to be more open to share my thoughts and experiences. To develop intimacy and have that deep meaningful friendship with someone, we need to be OK to show who we really are and be authentic about it. The social media world has been creating a bubble of fantasy about a perfect happy life for everyone. Truth is life is never as colorful or as perfect as what we see in our mobile screens about someone else. Authenticity and vulnerability helps seal the bond and create tight friendships. Physical interactions still matter a lot.

There are friendships worth keeping and nurturing in our lifetime. They are the ones where we can just be ourselves, be at our craziest or ugliest, but most of all ones that can help us be at our best. Such friendships are golden.

I would love to hear your feedback about my sharing, please check out my show notes and connect with me through my Facebook, Instagram and my personal blog. I am looking forward to having you again in my next episode.

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