Anne Marie Conlan joins Jen Graziano on Time To Talk

Time to Talk with Jen Graziano

(377) Anne Marie Conlan joins Jen Graziano on Time To Talk - YouTube
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vYVknr9WEeo
Transcript:
(00:00) Jennifer is here to discuss a sensitive subject we all need to talk and think about here now is Jennifer Graziano and time to talk good morning Westchester it's 9 A.M on Monday and that means it's time to talk with me Jen Graziano I am a licensed funeral director who oversees my family's funeral homes Cox and Graziano in both Mamaroneck and Greenwich and the Zion Memorial Chapel of Westchester every Monday I come to you discussing important topics and sensitive matters that all of us need to pause and reflect
(00:32) upon at some point and through this show I hope to provide the platform to do so if you're joining us this morning on 1460 wvox or Whitney Global Media Station we'll take your questions comments and calls to 914-636-0110 good morning to Mariah and everyone in the control room and good morning Facebook live viewers happy to have you with us with Tim judge behind the camera of greenwichlocal.
(00:58) com so we are fully functioning now with headsets that are correct and a little Haywire this morning but I'm so happy to be joined by my friend uh Anne-Marie Khan on the director of the bereavement Center of Westchester and specifically the treehouse House program which is such an amazing important resource in our community that I want to make sure we just really get the word at as to what it is and what she does because we're focusing today on children and grief this is a very different grief than adult grief it doesn't manifest as
(01:28) outwardly um with tears and emotions that are worn on a face oftentimes it's a hidden grief a silent grief a triggered grief and if we don't help our kids young that grief is going to travel with them as they as they age and really wreak some negative effects that we like to prevent by having this discussion today so my fellow koala both representing ursulin and nurichelle welcome hi good morning Jen thanks for having me of course great to have you back Anne-Marie I really uh I I send so many people to you because I
(02:03) really believe in what you're doing and you know I say when you if you're having an issue with your heart you go to the cardiologist if you need to set up a will you go to the trust and Estates lawyer or Elder lawyer so if you need to deal with childhood grief you can't just go to anyone because it's just so specialized so talk a bit about um let's start with the bereavement Center of Westchester and then bring us into the tree house yeah so the bereavement Center of Westchester has been around since 1995.
(02:33) um you know the our main program The Treehouse program is I would say what people really know us for we do much more but I'll talk a little bit about the tree house first yeah the Treehouse program is a free family bereavement program for Kids 4 to 18 who have had either a parent or a sibling die okay so for those of the first parameters four to eighteen that runs a really big gamut Like Preschool so going off to college yeah so yeah and it's all young families which you know when you you have a loss
(03:01) um as a young family it can feel very isolating you feel like you're you know you know you're in your 30s 40s and not many people to relate to right so you come to the program there's all these families there and our whole mission is that you don't feel alone and that's what we're providing for them so while the program is going on is it that they're you know you're separated kids and parents on different rooms or does it run concurrently that everyone comes together starts together branches off
(03:28) right so we're really focused on the family so the family comes together okay we give them a meal we give them pizza and so that everyone can mingle and um you know chat and talk and then we break up into age sex and Native groups so four and five-year-olds six and seven all the way up to the teen group and at the same time that the kids are in their groups it's really comforting for them to know that the parents are also getting support right um and so there's you'd either go into a child loss group
(03:53) if you've had a child die or a um a spouse partner loss group okay you know what's so important too because you can't if you're not in the right frame of mind you really can't take care of your kids to the best of your ability and it's it's so taxing on the parent to try to hold it together arguably and then be present for the child um there's so many different needs that are just going on in a Family household where they've been impacted by loss um what have you noticed what are some
(04:27) common threads that run through childhood grief I mean you think about kids are not always going to cry and wear it on their face it's going to come in waves um and the imagination always runs wild and their mind can go to different places but what are some of the common things that you over your years of doing this notice about childhood grief so there are a few things um you know childhood grief does we have the similar symptoms to adults um sadness anger confusion guilt regret numbness but they do it in age developmentally right so
(05:04) you know a five-year-old is going to grieve differently than a nine-year-old than as a 12 year old um they also grieve in we call them grief births so they can't sit with sadness like adults can right right um so there's you know there are going to be um you know a moment where they're I miss mommy and then um okay is it time to go to soccer right so they go in and out of their grief right um now what do you find when children I mean do you have situations where children get to the tree house years following the laws absolutely so
(05:37) what is the difference when it when there's kind of an immediacy of treatment sometimes is it too soon to go or sometimes is it too late so it's so individual right um and what I always tell people when they call is um you have to be able to tell your story and hear everyone else's story okay and um because we really treat grief as um I'm sorry just a natural reaction to loss that um it's not clinical so there's no emergency so when you're ready right you'll be ready um I'm sorry that's why they you know
(06:07) they they do come sometimes people do come right away sometimes people come a year or so after with children we say that you're kind of grieving for life and what we mean by that is that you can revisit as you get older right and as you understand the loss differently and how it's impacting your life I agree with that I always say that there's no such thing as closure like I just I never like the word because I don't think it's something you ever get over I think it's something that you learn to live with
(06:36) and you have to live with but I don't think you know it's a wound that heals but it never goes away there's always a scar there so I agree it's something that it is very specific you could just not be ready to talk but I think the importance is seeking help at some point and recognizing um it's not weakness it's not something that you know you think you can deal with grief it'll deal with you and I think more so you could be trying to do everything for your child but it's just something that you can't
(07:09) do alone you know and sometimes too I think kids don't want to express their grief in front of a parent I do think kids get very protective of their parents when they watch their parents go through something traumatic as well they might not be apt to share it it might be more safe for a child to kind of communicate in a group of friends or a different setting do you find that absolutely and I often ask children when we do our intakes for the program I ask them um do you ever worry about your your parent and it's always they're
(07:39) always not a yes um and they'll say you know I don't want to acquire in front of my parent and the parent says I don't want to cry in front of a child and The Treehouse program really bridges that Gap and also then they leave together and then they had the opportunity to have that conversation you know right the conver I mean it's just you know it starts it and they can continue it how long does someone go through the program is there a finite time period that they start and they end or you know we do see um since
(08:08) it's an ongoing program meaning that it starts in September ends in May but people can stay on and join at any point we do tend to see that people say on you know one to one and a half years but it really varies but we don't kick anyone out so it's you know it's already wonderful thing and I'm sure because I know even in the bereavement group we have you see a lot of friendships for them but these people are bonded by such horrific circumstance I'm sure you see all the time this lifetime bond that
(08:35) they have I mean a lot of friendships must be formed right we say it's a club that you don't want to belong to but you're glad it's there right right um that's a very wise way to put it so if you're just joining us for speaking with Anne-Marie conlon the director your official Titus director correct of the bereavement Center of Westchester and specifically we're talking about the Treehouse program now the bereavement Center itself is Treehouse just the group for this specific childhood
(09:02) grief and family loss in the larger capacity of the bereavement Center what resources are available right so the Treehouse is Our Family Programs we have two locations Mount Kisco and Bronxville okay so you cover northern and southern Westchester yes okay yeah can we pull from all over um and then we also we do our have our school outreach program okay so you go into the schools we help the helpers is what we say so um you know whenever there's a loss in the school we help the school community and process it um you
(09:29) know what resources to offer the the families and support the staff through so that they can be the best for the students it's very important to have the proper training in that and you know sadly enough to schools have it feels like the crisis going on in schools seems so much more than at least our day just it feels like a different world there's so much so much the kids go through now and see that we didn't see like really not that long ago so it's really important to have that proper training so let's talk about
(10:00) eligibility I mean sorry funding because you said everyone who has this loss is eligible to come and it's a free program but there has to be funding that comes in behind this do you fundraise do you host fundraisers um donations who I mean the larger so we're under so we're a non-profit under New York Presbyterian okay right but we do we we operate solely on donations and grants okay yeah um and fundraising events so we will have one coming up in April oh wonderful can you tell us a bit about that yeah I mean it's kind of um
(10:34) it's going to be at Saks in New York City it has to be like a fashion show wonderful yeah so it's a fun event too send details on that I would love to uh I'd love to I don't know because I think it's a great great program um during the course of the Treehouse program is it once a week twice a week three asked me it's two times per month two times per month okay um in the evenings or throughout from September through May and what is the difference that you know like when you watch a child go through
(11:03) the program and let's say come out a year or a year and a half later is it just do you see them just more comfortable are they more do they are they able to speak more do they get more talkative do they get excited to come what are some of the physical changes you note as families shift from just starting the program until they decide that it's time to move on I mean really it obviously varies on you know we say we grieve in character so um we all come with our own our own tools and our personalities
(11:32) um but I you know I I love it I remember one time I met with a boy and he just kept his hood on during the intake and you know was just very like hidden and um and then he came to the Treehouse and all of a sudden the hood came off and he was just he was just so present they come with smiles I always tell people you know it can sound like such a sad face place but it's such a place of healing yeah and there's a lot of laughter because kids are kids and yes they're supposed they can and what we're
(11:55) doing is we're teaching them how to live and grieve at the same time and really integrate the person into their lives that's a wonderful thing you know there's sometimes I think there's probably a fear or a hesitation to say the name of the person who lost again like we said they get really worried about protecting their parents and to be able to know that you could live and have that person still a part of your life um that's probably something once kids realize they can do that it's a big
(12:22) relief for them yeah they probably see such finality in death um do you find that your numbers are increasing um or more people are just getting aware and wanting help do you find the nature of what you do is changing over the years I do think that more people are I think it's being normalized to just get support right and I think you know definitely kobit was grief was a big conversation during covid so yeah so you know we did get um I will say we've had an increase in calls um people reaching out that maybe the
(12:58) loss was two three years ago right four years ago where um there was you know it's they weren't able to deal with their grief right because in the Forefront of what they had to manage there was all these other stressors yes um so that definitely we've seen an increase in the kind of um you know losses coming up were you doing um Zoom meetings during that time we did for a period a period of time yeah so but there was still some support available there's absolutely yes yeah and you're right and the nature of those
(13:26) losses I think triggers so many different things there was isolation it's like you know you if you had lost somebody in that during that time you lost somebody in a different world right and you know just to be able to do things to take your mind off really weren't available because you were stuck inside you were in your Divine system absolutely you couldn't access the support system literally so I think effects of that you'll see you know far into the future um but as the awareness is raised so do
(13:59) you find that you are getting more families that the loss was a while back and now they'll come to you because they didn't know about it or they just feel I know we talked about there's no set time to come in to do this but do you find now that you are getting more calls even beyond the two years back I think something may be happening is with schools that um you know because maybe there's something else coming up and then they go to the counselor okay and the counselor then you know kind of
(14:28) reveals oh there was a loss oh I know about the Treehouse program so maybe it's coming out in you know another symptom maybe you know school performance or um you know something with you know uh behavioral and then they come to us it's so important that Network that you have with the schools because they're kind of like the front lines to identify an issue and again I think we say in childhood grief it is manifested through Behavior or not doing well in school lower performance there's so many you
(14:57) know hidden triggers um when you help the helpers in school um what is it that do you find that school for the most part schools are equipped to deal with crisis or do you think that there is something collectively that's lacking in how we approach our kids who face tragedy in the school I mean I've seen some schools that have you know their their plan in place because listen death doesn't happen when we expect it right so you really do have to have some sort of plan which is why we have a school training every fall
(15:27) okay we invite anyone who works for school and we really help them like have that plan set out so it's really um proactive and not reactive as much as you can be with the loss right um but yeah I do find some schools you know are lacking um the ability to I would say it's more the fear right right where um you know the the teachers and the staff it really Taps into their own fears and it triggers something with them and sometimes that makes it difficult for them to um deal with their you know they have to
(15:55) manage their own feelings first right and yeah again it gets back to you have to be able to help yourself and be aware of your own feelings in order to help others it's a whole that's your oxygen mask on first on the plane right um again all all great resources um and I think also something that comes up too is it's very important to care for the caregivers um there's there's caregiver burnout and I think even what you do um supporting your staff as well because when you see grief day in and day out
(16:27) you and I have talked about this independently it does take a toll on you and you know you're expected to have the answers and to be uplifting but there's no way you can work in this day in day out and then just come home at five o'clock and just be all smiles so um providing support to those who are helping our kids I think is so important um so we have the tree house we have family support but back to the bereavement Center of Westchester is that more individual counseling we also have individual counseling and then we have
(17:01) group groups specific to loss and relationships so what are some kinds of support after suicide group okay um the perinatal loss group okay wow then we have an ongoing child loss group that is separate from the tree house if you've lost an older child okay we also have um parents sibling loss groups so if if your eye lost um a sibling I mean a sibling or parents or adults and then a partner loss spouse loss group again separate through the Treehouse I think that's so important because I mean going to a support group
(17:36) for this is just we can't underscore the importance of that enough but segregating that loss to that specificity is so important because a spouse will grieve differently than a child and while it's everyone's well-intentioned and wants to help you can't understand that loss if you haven't lived that relationship so adult kids are going to grieve for a parent differently than the husband or wife and different Natures as well again you know a suicide death or a sudden death there's there's shock and grief that
(18:09) those Left Behind have to feel when you've dealt with somebody with an illness for a long time there's anticipatory grief that you're often grieving them while they're still here these are all very different and there's no code or book for them so separating them really is there's so much wisdom to that are all of your groups when you do all the groups meet twice a month regardless of what Nature's law so our ongoing groups meet twice a month so um the ongoing child loss group and the
(18:39) support after suicide group and the perinatal loss group those are ongoing so you can join at any point but then the other groups are closed groups where we offer them seasonally so do you want take a call bring one and a ball one for those groups gotcha we have a caller on the line good morning hello are you on the line yes hi how you doing I'm enjoying the show thank you and who are we speaking to my name is Vince hi Vince I I thought I and maybe you've mentioned this uh because I ran into store to get
(19:15) a cup of coffee but uh do you is there a support group or a bereavement or law school for right Children of Divorce you know I'm sure there are but that's not run through your program correct Anne Murray no we yeah we're specific to loss from death and yeah and that is a great question um you know and that's something that I know the resources are there but there's nothing that I can think of off the top of my head but that is a great question because that certainly is a Monumental event in the life of a child and
(19:53) certainly something that should be brought attention to but the bereavement Center and The Treehouse deals specifically with um with death and loss very good okay well look I'm enjoying the show I I thought maybe you might have mentioned it while I was getting a cup of coffee I know you didn't miss anything that important enjoy the coffee have a great day um you know you know it was a great question because divorce is a death of a relationship and kids um you know kids kids certainly grieve that in different ways actually I do
(20:29) want to bring that up um you know oftentimes we have you know we have all different types of relationships at the tree house and they always say relationships are complicated um so you know even when it's a you know an estranged loss right um you know some and or you know you haven't seen your parents in a while but yeah maybe they lived in California you are still or maybe you don't even remember them because you were too young you can still grieve yeah that's really important to um underscore because
(20:53) sometimes they don't get the support from everyone else because of that right you know they just and they you know people tend to quantify a relationship or or put their own spin on it but you're right relationships really fingerprints they're as unique and the grief that Associates with the relationship there's no road map for it so that becomes complicated grief when you have issues of you know maybe maybe a parent abandon a child or like you said maybe there was Geographic distance um or maybe they the death occurred when
(21:25) someone was done on speaking terms I mean you and I have seen that all it's all it's all real but knowing that you can get help regardless of how or when it happened I think is so important um I want you to tell us about how to begin the process is it a phone call is there an intake form online can you share all of your in absolutely so they can go on our website bcwtreehouse.
(21:49) org okay um and there is a online submission for all different all of our groups including Treehouse or individual counseling but they can then they can also call us at 914-787-6158 um and it's really simple process to join any of our programs on the Treehouse and most of our program is just an intake or a phone call with us and then they can register wonderful and bcw standing for bereavement Center Westchester so bcw treehouse.com.org.
(22:19) org I'm sorry and there you'll find um not just the Treehouse program but information on all of the programs that Anne-Marie mentioned today spousal law support suicide loss support um adult parents I mean parents grieving adult children who passed or adult children grieving parents or siblings we've all lost them on losses the common denominator sadly and clubs like you said we don't want to be part of but nonetheless there are resources out there but especially with your kids um they might look okay they might be
(22:53) okay but there's going to be some trigger you know I remember one of the most common questions I always remember my dad answering when I was a kid is people will say should they come see their loved one at a way and he was always of the belief which I agree with but for the most part the answer is is yes because the child's imagination could go now again age appropriate age specific um but a child's imagination could go so far beyond the realm of reality that you want to stop them before they're
(23:25) thinking something that's way too far off and and I also believe in sensitive honesty with kids we have to be honest with our kids again age appropriately and then adjust accordingly as they get older but they're people we always forget to ask our children right and so many times we hear from the kids in the tree house I wish someone just asked me if someone asked me if I I wanted to go to the funeral yes yeah that is so true you know and we all do it in an effort to protect them and to Shield them and to
(23:58) um you know it's all well-intentioned but it's a little misguided sometimes you're right off they have voices they have opinions I mean we know that yeah and we wish we could change their story but this is our story and what we're doing is just supporting them it's very true it's very true and giving them the tools to own their story and accept reality and live in that reality I mean that's one of the greatest gifts you could ever give your child and that'll that'll follow through with them as they
(24:24) grow older so once again the website Anne-Marie bcwtreehouse.org and is there a bcw westchester.org as well or just go to that Treehouse page to find everything else just go right there okay and if you're whether you're listening to us today in Northern Westchester or Southern Westchester call the main number which is 914-787-6158 and definitely send the information over about the fundraiser I will I love a good fundraiser I love a good fun fashion show and um no I and I think you're doing such great work so raising awareness
(24:59) because you can't do good work without the necessary financial support and backing so I think we also need to raise awareness and spread the word about that and if you're listening today and you're connected to the schools as well the school systems in Westchester even private schools public schools you can reach out to Anne-Marie as well for the necessary School support um and I think it's just so many good things can come from this place so thank you very much thank you for sharing for having me again
(25:29) um and then the um just remind us one more time the ongoing program if you're in treehouse can people join on that I know the other ones you can come and go at any time for Treehouse can you get in now for the upcoming season absolutely yep at any point you can join gotcha so this is an ongoing enrollment and we hope people take advantage of it thank you so much you are doing great work um I send so many people to you because you're really you believe in what you do and you do a great job thank you thank
(25:55) this is Jen Graziano thanking you for taking the time to listen as we took the time to talk have a great day Westchester bye