176. When Bad Things Happen

The Mindful Healers Podcast with Dr. Jessie Mahoney and Dr. Ni-Cheng Liang

Have you ever had an unexpected outcome and been unable to stop thinking about it?

Do you go to shame, blame and guilt when you think you may have made a mistake?

Have you tried to believe it will turn out better than you expect but in the end, it turned out worse?

This episode will empower you with tools to respond with more grace and ease in the face of adversity.

We hope you will leave with a better understanding of how shame, blame, guilt, and rumination make hard things harder.

We often suggest remembering to ask what if it turns out better than you expect. And we are fully aware that sometimes things turn out worse than you expect or hope. Sometimes it is cancer. Sometimes there is infidelity. Sometimes patients have an unexpected, undesirable outcome. Sometimes, despite doing the best you could in the moment, you get sued.

When bad things happened in the past, we would both immediately go to blame,shame, and guilt. And then to rumination, isolating myself, anxiety, fear, and lost sleep.

After mindfulness and coaching, we still jump initially to shame, blame, guilt, fear and chart checking.

And then we pause and breathe. And work on our mindset.

From there you can divert old unhelpful patterns to more neutral ones. You can accept and not like. Be disappointed and remember that almost always it turns out ok in the end.

Peer review and M and M in medicine do not help healthcare providers process unexpected outcomes healthily. They trigger shame. Under the guise of improving systems, they search for fault and blame. They frequently cause signifiacnt harm to those who practice medicine.

Our clinical knowledge and our practice of medicine - attributes that we worked so hard at are scrutinized under a spotlight, with a magnifying glass in these formats. Having peers ask questions with the benefit of hindsight voicing opinions on what you should have done, of course, leads to anxiety, shame, blame, guilt, and ruminating. The process, which exists primarily for hospitals, insurance and liability reasons, releases cortisol and norepinephrine in physicians and doesn’t lead to learning, growth, or change.

Listen to this episode to learn what can you do to not make hard things harder

The cliff notes:

• Honor your humanity. Of course you feel bad.

• Get help. Coaching, employee assistance, psych support, peer support. Tap into any, and all, resources and sources of support available.

• Take time to heal.

• Be curious. What if it isn't as bad as you think?

• Accept and allow. Relax in. We do hard jobs. Really hard jobs. It is hard because you care.

• Don’t judge -- yourself, what happened, or your reaction. Sometimes terrible things happen despite our strongest efforts and best intentions.

• Step out of blame, shame, and guilt to whatever degree possible. There are likely many aspects of the circumstance that weren't your fault and there’s nothing you could have done to stop it.

• Offer yourself self- compassion

  • “Self compassion provides us with the life raft we need to navigate through tough times. By deepening self-compassion we discover untapped reserves of strength and resilience and wisdom that help us survive the storm and we strengthen our resources to better navigate future storms.” - Shauna Shapiro

  • “Compassion is simply a kind, friendly presence in the face of what’s difficult.” - Kristen Neff

If this podcast speaks to you, consider working with one or both of us to build yourself an overflowing toolbox for when the hard things inevitably happen.

• Join us at Connect in Nature, September 6-8th at Green Gulch Farm and Zen Center www.jessiemahoneymd.com/retreat-connect-in-nature

• Join Jessie at a Sagrada Retreat www.jessiemahoneymd.com/retreat-nourish-and-transform

• Coach with Jessie 1:1 or in a small group www.jessiemahoneymd.com/coaching

• Invite one of us to speak at your institution www.jessiemahoneymd.com/speaking, https://awakenbreath.org/

*Nothing in this episode should be considered medical advice.